‘Vampires Of The Velvet Lounge’ Review – Stake This Vampire Flick

Those of us who love vampire flicks have been feasting well in recent years. So, it is only natural for something to come along and drive a stake through that streak. Entering the chat is Vampires of the Velvet Lounge. Now, the movie is not altogether a nightmare, and it does boast at least an interesting premise and an ornate spectacle of blood and guts. However, the story is listless. Many elements feel cringey. It plays almost like a preordained video game, and lastly, it takes the folklore surrounding Elizabeth Báthory and leaves it to combust in the sun.

Now there is Elizabeth Báthory, the real countess and alleged killer. This hungry noblewoman has become part of folklore and fiction for centuries. Many believe Báthory helped inspire the creation of Dracula, so needless to say, she is forever soaked in vampire lore. The movie in question uses the legend as a framing device for the story. Elizabeth (Mena Suvari) is now living in the deep American South, running a back-alley absinthe bar. The establishment is a front for her and her coven of vampires. Each night, they stalk via dating apps, setting up unsuspecting would-be lovers to their doom. 

However, Elizabeth’s luck seems to run out when she swipes right on the wrong profile, belonging to a vampire hunter, Cora (Dichen Lachman). Going undercover, Cora is counting the hours until she can slay the vampires. Still, she must also contend with a trio of emotionally stunted bros on a boy’s trip who fall into the crosshairs of Elizabeth and her coven. Blood drips, and carnage is on the menu as the bar becomes a stomping ground for mayhem. 

To its credit, the film does enjoy a sense of camp fun. It is far from a serious tale, as evidenced by the title, which feels like a callback to Hammer vampire flicks like The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires or Dracula A.D. 1972. In that sense, it is difficult to be overly critical of the movie, but at the same time, it’s not enough to save it. There is a waffling on the tones, which makes for a jarring ride. At one moment, it’s a funny, over-the-top spectacle, and then in another, it tries to deliver an emotionally gripping story. 

There is an element involving one of Elizabeth’s fellow vampires, Joan (India Eisley), who is wrestling with her vampire status. In a film with green fairies flying into frame and an undertapped grindhouse feel, this one story element is riveting. It suggests a strange power dynamic between Elizabeth and her coven, as well as the longing for freedom amongst those stripped of their choice. This particular element is by far the story’s most compelling thread amid the bloody carnage. 

Cora, as part of her undercover mission, seems to develop feelings for Elizabeth. However, the story is so thin that it never rises beyond the surface, and that might be too high a compliment. The use of the dating app for vampiric meet-ups is clever, but the film’s framing makes it too much of a gimmick. It automatically dates the story and renders everything to the here and now. 

Sadly, much of the film is a bloody slog. It pops with cringe-inducing dialogue and a story that is less about substance and more about exposition and setpieces. At times, be it through the framing of the shot or the way the narrative unfolds, I felt like I was in auto mode in a video game. Even when the action is halfway gripping, it derails itself with dialogue that sounds like ChatGPT produced it. In fact, parts of the film feel artificially generated.

Ultimately, this is a film that by the end I felt like praying for the sun. It never quite reaches the true campiness it desires. Instead, it drenches the screen in blood and gore to compensate for its shortcomings. Some may find it amusing, but this is a crumbling affair that should be staked from the onset. In a story that uses the Elizabeth Báthory legend as nothing more than window dressing, this one stinks like a garlic wreath.

Vampires Of The Velvet Lounge will debut exclusively in theaters in select markets, including New York and Los Angeles, on March 20, 2026, courtesy of Strand Releasing.