‘F-Valentine’s Day’ Review – More Like ‘Forget’ This Movie

Okay. I am going to be easy on this film, or try to be. F-Valentine’s Day is silly at best and half-heartedly written at best. If anything, the abundance of Hallmark movies churning out like an overstuffed chocolate factory has at least made it palatable for cliché-draped rom-coms. But even love will have a hard time keeping this movie together. Unlikable characters and a pedestrian script are sure to call for an antacid run, because this is like heartburn.

The title F-Valentine’s Day was more than enough to pique my interest, but the problems begin once the movie starts. We meet Gina (Virginia Gardner), who was born on Valentine’s Day, and she detests it immensely. Fearing her boyfriend Andrew (Skylar Astin) will propose on the holiday, she stages a getaway to Greece, where her mother Wendy (Marisa Tomei) lives. While there, she encounters two sibling vacationers, one of whom she knows as her pizza delivery guy, Johnny (Jake Cannavale). Using Johnny and his sister, Mickey (Sabrina Bartlett), for cover, she hopes to delay the proposal. Andrew will spend the day with Mickey, while she spends the day with Johnny. Sparks begin to fly, causing Gina to question if she is with the right guy.

Even lovers of cheesy rom-coms will find their hearts breaking over this one. Despite a clever hook and intriguing title, the movie stays tied to the idea phase and never develops. 

The story is paint-by-the-numbers, which is no surprise for a rom-com, but what’s worse are the characters. There is no existence of an archetype. First off, the characters are despicable. No one has an arc; no one changes their heart; only a change in what the script dictates. Each of them is a liar for liars’ sake, and quirky for the sake of quirkiness. One could call the quad adorkable, but even that would be overselling the insufferability. The problem lies in the script, which is never shooting for subversion, nor is it trying to be meta. It would be one thing if the characters acknowledged how awful they are, but the story stays grounded in the realm of love conquers all. 

Despite the clever hook of a woman whose birthday is on the most romantic day of the year and her opposition to the holiday, the story never makes use of it outside some throwaway lines. What might have been an interesting journey never progresses beyond the rom-com beats we have seen a hundred times.

Even the brief presence of Marisa Tomei is not enough to keep the movie from smashing our hearts. To further break the heart, there is the use of CGI or possibly AI to create digital pizzas that pop up whenever Johnny makes a delivery. It begs the question: how big was the film’s budget that the use of pizzas had to go digital? Besides the point, the fact that the pizzas are fake underscores the chicanery of this entire movie. 

Now I don’t fault the actors. Virginia Gardner and Sabrina Bartlett are especially doing their best with the limitations of the script. They both have an infectious charm that keeps our fingers pressing the off button. Though storywise (or lack thereof), the thought of shutting the film off (or regretting not earlier) is more than apparent by the time it reaches its expected and anticlimactic end. 

Gardner is a familiar face in the horror genre. She appeared in 2018’s Halloween and 2022’s Fall. When the script is strong and the characters are developed, no matter the size of the role, she delivers a memorable performance. Unfortunately, the script is uninterested in giving these characters a point of view or even a reason for existence, which prevents them, especially Gardner, from using their talents and chops to the fullest.

It is difficult to recommend this film. Even on a cheesy level, or in its so-bad-it’s-good category, most, if not all, will be left bored or exasperated. I fall into the latter category, in part because, despite its funny, eye-catching title, the movie is like a Valentine’s card with nothing more than a decorative front and two blank pages inside. 

F Valentine’s Day is currently available on Digital platforms. The film is also currently available to stream on Hulu.