IPS Orientation
So you have decided to join the best delivery service around, The Intergalactic Postal Service. Congratulations on a great decision. So now that you have signed on, there are a few things we need to go over. One of the great things about being a member of the IPS is that as a general rule, we don’t give a damn how you do a job. Kill people, Don’t Kill, it’s totally up to you. But one of our main rules is, “Once a package has been delivered, all options are OFF the table.” So what does that mean? Let’s give you an example in a little tale called, Space Bastards, Issue 3, Tooth and Mail: Manicorn’s Day Off.
Manny’s Mistake
For those of you who don’t know, Manny Corns is one of our very best delivery men. The reason for that is the “Manicorn” takes his job seriously. VERY SERIOUSLY. But sometimes, even the very best make a mistake. In this case, Manny forgot that main rule about once a delivery is made, it’s hands off. In truth, it was a understandable mistake.
Manny was assigned to train a new recruit. ( See Space Bastards, Issue 1). He did his job too well and that new recruit stole his package and made the delivery. If there’s one thing that Manny doesn’t take well, it’s anyone taking money from his pocket. So he put the young man in his “book.” Unfortunately, he chose to exact his revenge AFTER a delivery had been made. That’s a no no. If you are found to have disobeyed that rule, expect to face a 24 hour suspension. No packages can be delivered. And no money can be made. That sucks for everybody. So that’s Lesson #1.
Appealing a Suspension
So that begs the question, you have been suspended. What CAN you do? If you’re serious about your profession (and we would hope you are), you can appeal the decision to upper Management. That’s what Manny did. However, the chances of getting a successful appeal is rare. Not even Manny could get his suspension overturned. Of course, he did blow off the top of a building. And while our CEO Roy Sharpton sympathized, even HE couldn’t over turn that. So the question remains, what do you do during that 24 hours.
Now we don’t pretend to tell you how to spend your time. But many of our employees enjoy time at one of the many local brothels, for example, Dirty Dick’s Halfway Inn. Here you can find a wide variety of companionship choices. Well, not a WHOLE a lot, but they are one of our sponsors, so it behooves us to recommend them. Even our friend Manny will frequent their establishment. But even WE can’t make him enjoy the amenities. But we can come back to that. So let’s answer another of our FAQ’s. If injured, does IPS have an insurance plan? Funny you should ask.
Injuries Happen
Now, no one PLANS to get injured. Although, in actuality, in this line of work, injuries are almost inevitable. But that doesn’t mean that IPS doesn’t care at all. If you are injured on the job you are entitled to Postal Service Medical Care. What that first means is that if medical transportation is required, you will be given a priority package designation. In other words, you will get where you need to go. But that also means that your delivery will be subject to the same exchanges of all other freight. So don’t get too attached to your courier. Speaking of couriers, let’s take a moment to meet some of your esteemed colleagues/competitors.
Your IPS Colleagues
Resurrection Mary: She may look like a school teacher or office administrator but she is as cut throat as anyone in the business. As is the case with many of our skilled employees, looks can indeed be deceiving. She also has a reputation of being hard to put out of commission. Hence her Moniker. If you should encounter her, show her some respect. And if she is your courier, rest assured that she will make it her business to make that delivery as scheduled…or die trying…and die trying..you get the idea.
Leroy: Our friend Leroy is no one’s choir boy. He is a hard living, hard drinking, self-described ladies man with particular tastes. He may look like your typical bar patron but put him with a package to be delivered and he is all business. Leroy also will work with others if the situation requires it. This makes him a bit different than most of our couriers who tend to be loaners. But don’t think that if he chooses to work with you that HIS interests aren’t forefront in his mind. That would be a mistake.
Zordakk: If ever there was a poster boy for not judging someone by their appearance, it is Zordakk. He may appear as innocuous as the little Phlegm guy on the cold commercials. But Zordakk is anything but. He is a sexually obsessed little man with nothing on his mind but sharing his DNA to anyone who is willing. But when it’s crunch time, and there’s a delivery to be made, that smiling facade falls away and he becomes a small, green version of Manny. When that happens, smart couriers may want to look for another package. As we said, only the best work for IPS.
Working on Some Coping Mechanisms
So let’s get back to our guy Manny. He was serving his 24 hour suspension and needless to say, he still wasn’t happy about it. No amount of liquor, drugged liquor, or women would ever get him over it. Only one name reverberated in his mind. The name of the man who backstabbed him while in training. The cause of his suspension, David Proton. He saw Proton everywhere he looked. Which was bad news for anyone who happened to be around him. His obsession got to the point that Manny decided to redecorate Dirty Dicks…by burning it to the ground. I guess we’ll need a new sponsor.
As for David Photon, the victim of Manny’s building explosion? He was enjoying that Postal Service Medical Care Benefit. He was now a package and being delivered to a hospital by Mary. At least that was Mary’s plan. But as mentioned before, delivery of a patient falls under the same guidelines as all other deliveries. So since Manny was out of the game, one man’s punishment was another courier’s opportunity. That meant all our other employees were in the game. Who could deliver Photon and get paid…without Manny killing you in the process. This is what makes IPS a job like no other.
Never Get Attached to a Courier
Remember when we talked about not getting to attached to your Courier? That is par for the course in the world of IPS. Photon went from Mary, to Leroy, back to Mary, and for a short time, Manny. Of course, Manny was suspended. So he wasn’t trying to deliver David. He was going to finish the job he tried to do when he blew up the building. That job was to cancel Photon’s future employment, forever! Why? Because he was just being Manny! However, Manny forgot about the one person you should never turn your back on, besides himself. And that was Zordakk! He was in full blown “Manny Mode.”
A speargun volley shot through Manny’s shoulder pinning him to the wall made sure that the angry Manny got the point. Next he followed up with a spray of hand grenades. He spread these out like they were his seed hoping to impregnate the world. As for Manny, all the spear did was tick him off even more, if that is possible. He broke loose and instead of going after Zordakk, he continued after Photon. Single minded, isn’t he? That’s what makes him one of the best and one of the hardest to control. I’m pretty sure we’re going to look at our by-laws about interference with deliveries while on suspension. But that’s a FAQ for another time.
What Being an IPS Employee is All About
So we had Manny after Photon, Leroy after Photon, and Mary after Photon. It seemed that David was the most desirable girl at the ball. But when it comes to desiring a girl, no one is more lecherous than our man Zordakk. He opened up on all of his fellow couriers. All except Photon. He was the package after all. After the smoke apparently cleared, there was Zordakk, Photon…and Manny. Son of a ….at least until the wall behind Manny fell on top of him. That’s going to leave a mark. But don’t worry. IPS employees are resilient. However, the thought of Zordakk being on Manny’s list should prove to be entertaining. But in the meantime, Zordakk delivered our man Photon to the hospital and reaped the rewards. Because in the end, that’s what being an IPS employee is all about.
Note to All Employees: IPS Insurance does NOT cover theft by Hooker. Do NOT make the mistake of leaving your ship with your local prostitute. That means YOU, Leroy!
Thoughts
Just when you thought that Space Bastards have harvested all the mayhem that could be plucked, writers Aubrey and Peterson planted even more combustible seed. With new characters and established favorites combining to blow the roof off buildings and Dirty Dick’s. Zordakk has joined the singleminded Manny as one of my favorite characters. Although it might say something about me that two such extreme personalities appeal to me. Opposites attract I suppose. But if you enjoy violent mayhem, over sexed little green men and adventure told in a colorful and expressive way, Space Bastards is the place to go.
One things for sure. Issue three gave artist Darick Robertson a veritable smorgasbord of explosive action to bring to the party and he catered the event to perfection. From exploding buildings to incinerated establishments to dismembered policemen. All the toys a creative artist like Darick enjoys playing with while at the same time, setting the bar high for what’s to come. I’m onboard for that. Humanoids Space Bastards #3 can be found where all great comics of mayhem are sold.
Senior Writer at GeekVibesNation – I am a 50 something child of the 70’s who admits to being a Star Trek/Star Wars/Comic Book junkie who once dove head first over a cliff (Ok, it was a small hill) to try to rescue his Fantastic Four comic from a watery grave. I am married to a lovely woman who is as crazy as I am and the proud parent of a 18 year old boy with autism. My wife and son are my real heroes.
