[Inside the Law Office of S.L. Easy, Attorney at Law]
“So Mr. Sharpton…Can I call you Roy?”
You can call me anything you fuckin’ want if you get that cheap-ass insurance company to pay for the damages to my business.”
“So it says here you’re claiming the “minor explosion” at the casino was sabotage? By a competitor? But you refuse to mention who?”
Listen, I know how this shit works. I put a name out there and there are lawsuits and counter lawsuits and soon I’m knee deep in a fly infested pile of legal bullshit I would never crawl out of. It’s bad enough dealing with ONE of you slimy bastards. Let’s just say that I will address THAT son of a bitch in my own good time. But in the meantime, I need my money to set my balls in motion. So are you going to help me or not?”
“Well why don’t you tell me what happened, from the beginning and then I should have an idea of what I can or can’t do.”
Sharptoberfest
Well it all started on the one day that my IPS guys get off. So to speak. We call it Sharptoberfest. Pretty clever name, Right? Well anyways, the guys were in one of the casino suites taking advantage of my hospitality while I was doing what I always do. Sitting down and getting things done. But as I was planning what words of wisdom I would share with my troops, I received a visitor. Well actually several visitors. Apparently, and for no reason I could fathom, one of my former employees was pissed at me. Layla was her name and she USED to be my secretary. At least until I allowed her to work for me as a courier. No fucking gratitude if you ask me. Fortunately one of my bodyguards tried to intervene. Unfortunately, he lost his head in the process. Damn shame, too for…what ever his name was. But, I was calm, cool and collected…once I collected my pants and pulled them back up.
”So what did this Miss Layla want?”
Mexican Standoff
Apparently she had obtained the plans for Powers Industries teleporter technology that was “supposed” to put my IPS out of business. Fat fucking chance! Basically she wanted me to give her the company so she could save it…from ME! The babe had balls, I had to give her that. But she also had three Resurrection Mary’s. (See Issue 4 for more details). Which would turn out to be a good thing later on. Sexbots, even former Sexbots usually are. You could ask my guy Zordakk about that. But I digress. Umm…Where was I?
”Sexbots”
Oh yeah. So we had ourselves a real Mexican standoff when another of my guys, Davey Proton shows up. Proton was the guy who was originally supposed to deliver those plans that Layla showed me. Apparently, she had stolen them from Proton. No plans, no credits. So naturally, Davey was pissed. Now, me being a natural negotiator, I told him that if he would get me out of there, I would pay him the million credits I had promised him before. And if it happened to get a little bloody, I wouldn’t tell. I even upped it to 2 million. As I said, I’m a generous son of a bitch.
Three Bombs, No Waiting
“And he turned you down?”
Yeah, go figure that shit. Proton must have had a soft spot for Layla…or maybe a hard one for the Marys because he didn’t do it. Of course, THAT is when we learned of the bombs in the casino. Three of them to be exact. And to make matters worse, they couldn’t be deactivated. According to Layla, (who just loves to show off how smart she is), they were anti-particle deployment units, made for terraforming. What that meant was the building was going down in a spectacular fashion if we didn’t do something about them.
That is where the three Mary’s came in. Apparently, they could wire themselves into the bomb and contain the blast. Although that meant Layla’s plans for taking over IPS would have to wait. Which was OK by me. So she sent Mary #1 to where the first bomb was located, which was with Leroy, Captain Fremis and Zordakk. As Mary burst into the room, Zordakk (being Zordakk) thought that finally, his favorite appendages would get massaged. But that was not Mary’s mission. She connected to the device and damned if she didn’t do exactly what she said she would. She absorbed the blast. Unfortunately, she didn’t survive her efforts. Much to the devastation of Zordakk. Poor little guy. But hey, there were still two more Mary’s in play. So Leroy and company went to where the other bomb was located, which was in the Wildlife reserve.
Hero Leroy
”Wait a minute. How again did you find out about the bombs and where they were located?”
I didn’t mention that? Well shit. The first one they just stumbled upon. Apparently, Leroy and his boys found some guys setting the first one and “persuaded” them to talk. I think it had something to do with Zordakk and some mention of a possible raping. So anyways, they spilled the beans about the locations of the other two bombs. After Mary #1 took care of the first one, Leroy went to where the 2nd one was. Once again, there were two henchmen with the bomb and once more Leroy and his posse intervened.
“This Leroy is quite the hero.”
Hero? Nahhh….He just has a well developed sense of protecting his own ass. Most of my guys do. That’s how they survive to make deliveries. Besides he had Zordakk, Fremis and Chuck with him. Chuck and his trademark “Beerfists.”
“Beerfists?”
Beats the hell out of me what they are. But when you have a beer keg shaped naked man, flying at you with fists loaded, it kind of gets your attention. Or so they tell me. Anyhoo, they subdued those henchman and Mary# 2 arrived to take care of the bomb. This time, she was able to take the bomb outside of the building and into the water before it blew. Another of Zordakk’s possible liaisons down. Which left one more bomb to dance with. And after dealing with two of them already, how hard could the third one be?
The Hard Calls
“So just to be clear, YOU haven’t really done anything to this point, correct? It was Leroy, Remis, Chuck, Zordakk and the Mary’s that dealt with the bombs.”
And your point? I did what I always do. Make the hard calls, lead the team. Their the brawn, I’m the fucking brains in this operation. Don’t ever forget that!
“Right. So please continue.”
Well we went to where the final bomb was but we ran into a bigger problem…Manny!
”And who or what, is a Manny??”
Well, in the beginning, Manny Corns was one of my very best delivery men. But he has had a rough time as of late. Mainly because he couldn’t get over how one of his trainees had screwed him over on a delivery. Since then, he has been obsessed with killing the guy. I always tell my guys, that this business isn’t personal. But try telling that to a pissed off Manicorn.
”I would never even attempt it. So what happened next?”
The Mechanicorn
So, it seemed that Manny had gotten some work done. He was as much machine now as Manicorn…and still very pissed off at Davey Proton.
“Proton? You mean the man you wanted to help you escape from Miss Layla?” He IS a popular fellow, isn’t he?”
If by popular you mean a bunch of people either want to steal from him or kill him, I suppose so. I hope I’M never that fucking popular.
”Well, as best as I can tell, you are well on your way.”
Great, I picked a comedic lawyer. So anyway, there is Manny, as pleasant as ever, and once he sees Proton, that is all he thinks about. At least until Mary #3 jumps him and the fight is on. It was a damn shame I wasn’t charging admission, because I could have made a killing on that fight. It was brutal and bloody. Just like Manny loves it. And Mary was giving him a run for his money. Even more so when Mary #2 tagged in. She looked a mess but at least she had survived the 2nd Bomb.
Manny vs. The Mary’s
Of course, by now, my boy Zordakk was tired of standing by while his possible good times with the sexbots was being interfered with. So he leaped into the fray and got a pretty good sock to the jaw for his trouble. Apparently, Manny has no sympathy for a buddies needs. As for me, I made myself an executive decision and stayed the hell out of the way. Was no use for ALL of us to get killed by Manny. However, during the mayhem, we had almost forgotten about the last bomb.
So while Manny was tearing Mary #2 in half, Mary #3 attempted to deal with the bomb. But she hadn’t counted on Zordakk attempting to stop her. He wasn’t going to let his last chance at a good time get destroyed. His intervention was just enough to make it impossible to stop this one. It was going to blow.
“Well THAT was unfortunate. What did you do then?” Obviously you didn’t throw yourself on the bomb to save your employees.”
A Sound Business Decision
OF COURSE NOT! I did what any resourceful business man would do. I ran like my fucking life depended on it. Cause it did. Now Davey, he kept worrying about all the people in the building. Fuck that. How would I rebuild things if I died? Not to mention who would tell my brilliant success story. So I ran out of the building, knowing who was responsible. But I’ll get him. I’ll fix his ass. Well first I’ll break it…and THEN I’ll fix it. So that’s the story. What do you think? You gonna get me my money?
“Well there is a lot to think about. How about you give me some time to deliberate all of the facts, check the law and I’ll get back to you. In the meantime, you can leave a check with my secretary.”
A CHECK!!! A check for WHAT? You haven’t even said you would take my case. Why the fuck should I pay you?
“Simple, Roy. I bill by the hour and you have been talking for two and half hours. On the plus side, it was a damn good story. You might want to get it put in a book. So, two and half hours plus incidental fees and dictation. It adds up.”
Your ad said “free consultation!”
“Consultation? Damn printers…it was free CONSOLATION! And I am sorry. You’re a business man, Roy. You know the drill. It’s not what I do, its what I know. And I know that Powers Industries is going to rip you a new one. So good luck with that. As I said, leave your check with my secretary and I’ll get back to you. Here, have a Magnet…another CONSOLATION!
Thoughts
Through five superior issues, one of the great things about Humanoids Space Bastards is the constant addition of unique characters. From the irrepressible Roy Sharpton, to everyman Davey Proton. The uncontrollable Manny Corns, and the rinse and repeat Resurrection Mary (and her alter-ego Layla). From the greasy looking Leroy and the libido that never stops in Zordakk. And now, making his first appearance, the man of little clothes, Chuck. He of the “Beerfists” and the healthy urinary tract. Together they make for as dysfunctional a family as have every been created. And damn are they fun. Even when being chased out of an impending exploding building or trying to kill each other. Peterson Aubrey, and Robertson keep bringing it every issue. Looking forward to seeing what the aftermath of THIS issue will be. No doubt it will be explosive.
Artwork
I’m pretty sure that part of the fun in drawing Space Bastards is the chance to bring to life each new character. And Darick Robertson makes each one distinctive and finds the charm in each one. Our guy Zordakk is a prime example. So what if all he thinks about is sexing up at every opportunity. You can’t help but like the little guy. Even in unpleasant people like Manny…or in this case Manny 2.0. Is being single minded a charm? Maybe so. Our new guy Chuck is no exception. Of course, I have an affinity to any character who is built similar to myself and has a Tom Hanks urinating proclivity. (See “A League of Their Own, The Green Mile, etc.) But in my case, instead of “BeerFists” they would be “Diet Pepsi” fists. Great stuff as always.
I feel I am being repetitive but if for some reason you have missed the Space Bastard series, it’s not to late. Aubrey, Peterson and Robertson have created a constantly spinning world of mayhem with characters that draw you right into the wonderful world that is IPS and the Space Bastards. Humanoids Space Bastard Issue 5 can be found where all great comics are sold.
Senior Writer at GeekVibesNation – I am a 50 something child of the 70’s who admits to being a Star Trek/Star Wars/Comic Book junkie who once dove head first over a cliff (Ok, it was a small hill) to try to rescue his Fantastic Four comic from a watery grave. I am married to a lovely woman who is as crazy as I am and the proud parent of a 18 year old boy with autism. My wife and son are my real heroes.
