I was talking to some friends the other day in a certain overpriced coffee establishment and the topic of “the worst Christmas movies” ever came up in conversation. The comic relief in the festive chat was how “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” continued the fun and yuks from the “Home Alone” original, but then had a tragic fart-and-fall-down moment with “Home Alone 3.”
Macauley Culkin, before he started rocking the latest fashions in homeless crackhead, wanted out of the third movie because he believed he “was outgrowing childish roles.” Yeah, that worked out. The third “Home Alone” was so bad that it should have been Santa’s Naughty List. Not even a younger Scarlett Johansson could save that movie. (Yes, really!)
And a new listicle was born.
Here are the Top 10 worst Christmas movies of all time.
10. Four Christmases (2008)
Before it was obvious Adam Sandler clearly lost a bet doing all those meh-fest movies on Netflix, there was Vince Vaughn. See: “Pauly Shore is Dead,” “Thumbsucker,” “The Dilemma,” or “The Watch.” Among his box-office blunders was “Four Christmases.” It’s a rom-com starring Reese Witherspoon. What could go wrong?
Well, a bunch.
Initially in this film, no one cares about their families so Brad (Vaughn) and Kate (Witherspoon) decide to visit Fiji and hope no one would notice. What should have been a sunny retreat on December 25 was a complete disaster created by a fog storm, stumbling into four consecutive Christmas celebrations, and close to 90 minutes of checking your phone and pulse.
9. Surviving Christmas (2004)
As talented as Ben Affleck is, the boy has been in some cringy bad films (i.e., “Gigli,” “Daredevil,” “Jersey Girl”). This festive film of funk is one of his worst. Yes, that includes the “Josstice League,” but that wasn’t on him. But those abysmal career choices he made in the early oughts? All him and his @$$ was showing.
Typical misguided plot – high school guy, no real family contacts, one innocent visit from a blue flame, and heartbreak city until the stupid “Thank God that’s over” ending. And if any of that isn’t bad enough, this was a Christmas movie released in early October. Way to market the film.
8. Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
The year 2004 did a considerable amount of damage to our lower GI tract. “Starsky and Hutch,” “Agent Cody Banks 2,” and a movie that caused DC fans to give up their geek card, “Catwoman.” So, the summer sucked and then we got the previous Christmas movie and this one in the same year. My stomach is bubbling thinking about it.
Tim Allen, who has experience with timeless Christmas classics, and Jamie Lee Curtis, who already owns Halloween. Directed by Chris Columbus of “Home Alone” fame and adapted from a John Grisham book. Those aspects could have made a fantastic movie, but that script written on the wall of a bus station public bathroom got in the way. Flush this movie now.
7. Deck the Halls (2006)
If you’re beginning to think there was no Christmas spirit in the early- to mid-oughts, you may be right. This Danny Devito and Matthew Broderick-led movie was a kick right in the pinecones. Two feuding neighbors tap into their inner Griswold and go berserk to decorate their homes. No problem, right? So, so wrong.
Both lead characters are unlikeable curmudgeons who wouldn’t know a sense of humor if it came with seeing dead people. None of the jokes work. The script doesn’t either. Besides, the real Clark Griswold on your block? No one likes that guy anyway.
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)
This is where the holidays begin to compete for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Christmas and horror together only make a gift for the Razzies. The two mix about as well as a Kardashian and a GED. If this were a Top 15 list, “Krampus,” “Black Christmas,” and Part One of this dreadful duo would have made the rankings of worst Christmas movies ever.
The slasher in this movie makes his own naughty list, but instead of coal in a stocking, he decides they need to die. Of course, his parents were killed on Christmas Eve, so everyone else must die. Dude even kills a mall Santa. Well, someone had to watch it. You’re welcome.
5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Now, if it weren’t for MST3K, I would have never seen this Yuletide reindeer turd. It is beyond ridiculous and the only reason it’s considered a Christmas movie is because it has St. Nick in the title, and it was made with $45 of holiday gift cards. Admittedly, this inept hoax of filmmaking is even funnier thanks to Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, so it’s worth seeing twice.
However, bring the Tums to view this pioneer among the worst Christmas movies. This one will hurt a little. Well, more than that.
4. A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019)
Oh? You didn’t catch this COVID classic? After you see it (free on YouTube), you will conclude that the movie caught the dreadful pandemic disease. The movie “stars” a cavalcade of gomers and B-actors, and then featuring in cameos are a couple of thespians who know something about the martial arts.
Eric Roberts who flexed in “Best of the Best” and rocked his Seagal-ish ponytail was buried in this movie. Also, enjoying a Hi-YAH renaissance from “Cobra Kai” is the evil sensei himself, Martin Kove. Not even the magic of those two could stop you from this roundhouse to the crotch as a kid must do karate good enough so his murdered dad can return from the dead, just from the holidays. Beginning to look a lot like Christmas…in hell.
3. Santa with Muscles (1996)
Memo to all professional wrestlers: If you believe you have a shot to become the next Batista, John Cena, or Rock, your gun is full of blanks. Take Hulk Hogan. He did “Rocky III” and then fell face first into this pile of crap—a film that sounds like the porn version of “Magic Mike Meets the Island of Misfit Toys.”
There is our favorite brother exhibiting his 24” pythons who is evading the police by dressing as a sleeveless mall Santa. If that wasn’t hokey enough, he comes face-to-face with a ne’er-do-well scientist named…wait for it…Mr. Frost. Because other stereotypes would make any sense here.
2. Elves (1990)
In No. 6 on this austere Christmas listicle about the worst Christmas movies ever, we touched upon the danger of mixing two film genres. This movie is why.
Let’s begin with the gut-wrenching and sphincter-tightening recipe for disaster: A young waitress, some Neo-Nazis, and an ancient demonic Christmas elf that’s free to carry out the hidden Aryan dream of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids to scare the countryside.
What? Not as believable as a magic snowman or a reindeer that can fly? It’s Christmas. Anything can happen if you just believe.
1. The Nutcracker in 3D (2013)
The only reason a movie about a legendary Christmas tale wallops the past few creations in a drug-induced haze is because more than a decade ago, people were serious about making a good movie here.
And, did they ever miss that goal! As in, to the tune of only getting a $20.5 million return on a $90 million budget.
You’d think a movie adapted from the endearing and always beautiful Russian ballet would be akin to a welcome experience from a Russian filmmaker, Andrei Konchalovsky. Unfortunately for Andrei, the only nutcracker we get is a thrust in our nether regions with this abysmal act of futility.
The ballet to the director brings back memories of dressing like an elf with a few chromosomes short of a full-stack, month-old fruitcake, and random childhood trauma. Oh, and to add to the Kris Kringle is a Holocaust motif. No, that’s not a joke. You can’t make this up. Not even if it was a holiday prank.
Since he saw ‘Dune’ in the $1 movie theater as a kid, this guy has been a lover of geek culture. It wasn’t until he became a professional copywriter, ghostwriter, and speechwriter that he began to write about it (a lot).
From the gravitas of the Sith, the genius of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, or the gluttony of today’s comic fan, SPW digs intelligent debate about entertainment. He’s also addicted to listicles, storytelling, useless trivia, and the Oxford comma. And, he prefers his puns intended.
