The Incredibles (2004), is, well, incredible at #5

How do I really know that my ranking is peerless? I have no idea. I hope my lists hugs the muddy bottom of the geeky internet. We all gotta dream.

How did I determine which movie nabbed the championship belt and which Titanic-ed? I can’t let you behind the curtain I promise I’ve tried my worst.

Who am I to make this not-so-humble brag? I present my qualifications:

  • I’ve received roughly 3,120 paychecks comics have taken a cut of each.
  • I have watched over 300 hours of comic book-based movies.
  • I love comics even though they often don’t make any sense.
  • Instead of falling in love in real life, I fell in love with the ladies on the page.

Some final caveats about this nonpareil list:

  • The film’s source material is a comic book OR if it feels like a comic book movie.
  • If the movie ain’t on the list, it’s because I haven’t seen it yet. I’m not avoiding it.
  • There are very few foreign films on this list. I’m working on it.
  • Each entry does/will link to a mini-review++.
  • This is a living document. I will change it whenever and however I want.

Ready? Let’s get ready to rrrrruuuuummmmmbbbblllllleeee!

  1. Spider-Man 2 (2004):  Perfect.
  2. Logan (2017): Simply soul-crushing in the best way possible.
  3. Batman Begins (2005): A gritty, modern introduction of a Frank Miller-esque Dark Knight. It’s the polar opposite of the 1989 campy farce in almost every way. Ra’s al Ghul isn’t my favorite villain but they resisted the temptation to start this trilogy off by leaning on the Joker again. 
  4. Iron Man (2008): Solid Gold.
  5. The Incredibles (2004): Beat Marvel Comics to the Civil War storyline by 2 years, forced a superman to grapple with everyman depression, and how even the smallest, forgotten slight, can have devastating repercussions decades later. Unlike any comic book movie ever made.
  6. Thor: Ragnarok (2017): There has never been a final installment of any trilogy that completely blew away its predecessors. You will be entertained.
  7. X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014): Bryan Singer’s triumphant return.
  8. Joker (2019): A disturbing, and at times unethical, transformation story that is unlike any other comic book movie ever made. Joaquin Phoenix gives the performance of his career and the finest and most full interpretation of any comic book character ever.jok
  9. Kick-Ass (2010): See name of movie.
  10. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018): A wholly fresh, smart, fun, and layered reimagining of one of the most iconic characters ever. Believe the hype. 
  11. Couleur de peau: Miel (Approved for Adoption) (2013): a singular documentary of a Korean War orphan raised in Belgium who grows up to be a cartoonist and filmmaker. A painting in motion told through gorgeous animation intercut with live-action documentary-style footage. and overflowing with universal immigrant truths and singular emigre details. And F***, this movie made me cry for joy, sadness, and empathy. It’s simply remarkable. COULEURDEPEAUMIEL.jpg
  12. Avengers: Endgame (2019): The original comic book story’s ending was lackluster. This finale to the most impressive streak of quality films EVER shined. 
  13. Spider-Man (2017): Homecoming: Not a reboot; a revitalization.
  14. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014): I never even heard of this team before I saw this movie. You could not fashion a better or bolder introduction. 
  15. Big Hero 6 (2014): Gorgeous animation and an original take on classic examination of what makes something alive. It will save your day.
  16. Psiconautas, Los Niños Olvidados {Birdboy: The Forgotten Children} (2015): a startling visual masterpiece coupled with a terrifying and soul-crushing and soul-heartening story. You are not prepared. You will not forget it. bir2
  17. Avengers Infinity War  (2018): I wanted to be really bored and unimpressed with this movie. I wasn’t. I don’t think it could have been made any better.
  18. Captain Marvel (2019): Brie Larson is charm personified and Samuel L. Jackson is an unmatched on-screen presence. The story will make you stand and salute. This is what Wonder Woman SHOULD have been.  
  19. Ghost in the Shell (1995): the anime classic that spawned the ScarJo remake is mandatory anime AND comic book movie watching. Its influence can be seen in so many subsequent films, particularly the Wachowski Siblings’ seminal 1999 masterpiece ‘The Matrix’. The story is blazingly original. The animation is layered and stunning. And the action set pieces are a balletic marriage of sci-fi tech, red-blooded brutality, and Eastern martial arts choreography. Oh, and there are more boobs in this than I have ever seen in any single movie in my life. I’m not sure if that’s a positive or negative but I felt it bared mentioning. gh2
  20. Black Panther (2018): Wakanda forever!
  21. Buñuel in the Labyrinth of the Turtles (2019): a harrowing and beautiful and infuriating and complex story about the most forgotten people among us. bun3
  22. Doctor Strange (2016): This comic was always the weird, mostly lame sorcery fantasy title. Marvel Studios applied their magic formula and raised it up to a new plane.
  23. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019): I could have ranked this higher. Definitely the funniest MCU flick ever. And it continues to take your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man in fantastic new directions. spider-man-far-from-home-post-credits-scene-explained.jpg
  24. Spider-Man (2002): The movie that launched the modern comic movie era. OK, that was actually X-Men. But Spider-Man is the biggest name in the Marvel Universe. Nothing but respect for Iron Man but Spider-Man is THE logo. And without the opener and the best comic book movie of all time (Spider-Man 2), there would not have been an Iron Man. Love them or hate them, the comic book movie rests on this movie’s shoulders. 
  25. X2: X-Men United (2003): Homo Superior.
  26. Akira (1988): just the most important manga adaptation ever. It’s an absolutely gorgeous visual masterpiece and one of the more ambitious stories ever. akiub.jpg
  27. X-Men (2000): A tight introduction to the BEST superhero team in all of comicdom. 
  28. Deadpool 2 (2018): just like the first except a little funnier and a little better.
  29. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011): America, this was beautiful.
  30. Deadpool (2016): This was a great introduction to an antihero I had only read about when he was humorless.
  31. Ant-Man (2015): Fun and funny. Pena’s storytelling flashback scenes are gut-busting hilarious. 
  32. A History of Violence (2005): If it ain’t rough, it ain’t this movie.
  33. The Avengers (2012): Unwieldy but pretty much the best it could be.
  34. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008): the rare sequel that is more fun than the original.hb2.jpg
  35. Barbarella (1968): There are no words I can put here to sufficiently convey the absolute insanity and hilarity in this one of a kind comedy. I just can’t.babr
  36. Ghost World (2001): Scarlett Johansson’s understated solid introduction to my consciousness. And maybe Steve Buscemi’s finest role (which is saying something). 
  37. Planet Hulk (2010): Thor: Ragnarok incorporated aspects of this story but it gets much deserved top billing here. The stylish animation and great voice work ride THE BEST HULK comic book storyline to glory. And Beta Ray Bill is in it! (he deserves his own joint, too). 1worstplanethulk
  38. The Dark Knight (2008): this was a big disappointment for me. Heath Ledger’s Joker was the best Joker to date, though. But now I have to give the gold to Joaquin Phoenix. Though silver in this event is like the 2nd highest peak in the Himalayas. It’s still a monumental natural wonder. 
  39. Kick-Ass 2 (2013): Still cold kicking it.
  40. Ethel & Ernest (2016): a heartwarming and beautifully animated chronicle of good people living through tumultuous times.ethel_ernest.jpg
  41. Teen Titans Go! To The Movies (2018): Hilarious. Charmingly creative story. Very fresh and I’m not talking about Rotten Tomatoes. Knows itself. Brilliant voice work. JUST FUN. 
  42. The Crow (1994): a striking style and story with a fine turn by Brandon Lee who died in a tragic accident during filming.
  43. Atomic Blonde (2017): To paraphrase the Prince classic, Charlize Theron is one badass, sexy motherfucker.
  44. V for Vendetta (2005): Vengeance is ours or: revenge is a dish best served British. 
  45. The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Despite Bain’s CPAP, he was a chilling and cold complement to the Joker’s mania in the previous installment.
  46. Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018): not as funny as the first but great things still come in very, very small packages.
  47. Captain America: Civil War (2016): It’s not an original storyline (security vs civil liberties). But it’s the rare trilogy that produces three excellent installments. 
  48. X-Men: First Class (2011): JLaw is so amazing. I used to love her so much. Not so much anymore. I’m a sucker for an origin story but this introduction felt muted. 
  49. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017): still lots of fun but the family theme was already done much better in the predecessor. 
  50. Snowpiercer (2014): A ridiculous post-apocalyptic conceit made full with insane set designs, snappy dialogue, rugged acting, and a frenetic chase/race vibe. Sure, the plot is skeletal but it doesn’t melt this thrill ride.snowpiercer-2014-03-12-07h41m57s193.jpg
  51. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014): Why is having one metallic arm so cool? It’s like the opposite of Michael Jackson’s sequin glove.  
  52. Suicide Squad (2016): Margot Robbie carries this movie on her perfect back and I can’t help myself: I had a blast.
  53. Superman II (1980): You will kneel before Zod.
  54. Justice League: War (2014): a far better Justice league origin story than the bloated 2017 live-action joint (though I readily admit I enjoyed it more than I expected to). jlwar
  55. Red (2010): Any movie with Hellen Mirren wielding automatic weapons is hella fun!
  56. Hellboy (2004): Whenever Guillermo Del Toro directs, the film is going to be a visual smorgasbord. The story was fine too. hhhb.jpg
  57. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015): Whedon deftly executes another Avengers movie where a lot could have gone wrong. Spader was brilliant as Ultron and Bettany breathed life into Vision.
  58. Fist of the North Star (1986): the anime classic that brags about being the most violent ever in its genre (at least as of 1986). There are moments when the animation is stilted and you could definitely see the technological limitations. But it’s an ending I’ve never seen before and didn’t see coming and the world is fresh and so far from any western comic book movie I’ve ever seen (granted, I’ve only watched two anime flicks so far). fistnorth.jpg
  59. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010): Anytime a geek gets to be a superhero, an angel gets its hand canons. 
  60. Superman (1978): This might contain the worst scene in comic book movie history but Gene Hackman and Christopher Reeve make it worthwhile and a solid introduction of the Man of Steel to the modern era. 
  61. Shazam! (2019): It’s just a really fun time. It’s basically a superhero version of 1988 classic ‘Big’. But, like Ant-Man, it knew itself. And you should get to know it, too.shazam-firstlook-gasstation-drinkingsoda-frontpage-700x297.jpg
  62. Wonder Woman (2017): Overrated. The bad guy was boring. The fight scenes were staid. The humor was sparse. The plot was meh. The acting performances, all around, were tepid.
  63. Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020): it’s kind of a mess and it really doesn’t end up anywhere significant but it’s a funny mess and it’s a fun mess and Margot Robbie will send you. And it’s about Harley Quinn. Would a tight, logical, meaningful film even make sense? No. ___birds-of-prey-nuevo-trailer-roman-sionis-black-mask-harley-quinn
  64. The Heir Apparent: Largo Winch (2008): A French mashup of a character that embodies the traits of Batman, Bond, and Bourne. It’s a solid entry to the crowded badass dude comic movie sub-genre which never surrenders. heir.jpg
  65. Road to Perdition (2002): Casting Tom Hanks as a hitman was intriguing. Paul Newman as a mob boss had potential. But the end result was dull. 
  66. The Diary of a Teenage Girl (2015): See also: American Beauty, Lolita (1962), Ghost World, Almost Famous. It appears to have strongly influenced 2018’s Eighth Grade. While this one goes darker, both pull off a surreal, sincere, and twisted dive into the chaos of sexual awakening. Like real life, it’s hard, complicated and f*cked up in so many ways.thediary.jpg
  67. Josie and the Pussycats (2001): silly fun. A cheeky satire of boybands and naked consumerism. Plenty of laughs and ludicrous plot twists and turns and cartwheels. And the music’s not bad at all; decent pop-punk. It will rock you.josie.jpg
  68. Batman (1989): Wowed me back then but the poppy aesthetic and cheesy one-liners just seem lame now and are not what people want from their Dark Knight anymore.  
  69. Green Lantern (2011): I love Green Lantern. I love sci-fi. I lust for Blake Lively. I’m fairly certain I haven’t met a single person who enjoyed this movie besides me. 
  70. Watchmen (2009): Maybe the best graphic novel ever. There was really no hope this could ever live up to the source material.
  71. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009): A good but not great start. But why didn’t they call it Weapon X? That’s a way better title. Also, I’m glad they didn’t keep this version of Deadpool. He was just too creepy. And no fun at all. And to be honest, this wasn’t a super fun movie either so maybe that was the theme?
  72. Hulk (2003): Ang Lee tried something different and I appreciate it. I didn’t love it but taking a creative swing earns my respect. 
  73. Weird Science (1985): The ultimate science fiction uber-nerd fantasy. Who wouldn’t want to design their perfect woman? The love triangle bit was weird, though.
  74. Kingsman: The Secret Service: The look was great. The fight choreography was fun. But overall the movie did not leave a lasting impression. 
  75. Oblivion: a well-crafted sci-fi flick with solid acting and a sleepy plot that’s completely unremarkable. This movie will self destruct from your memory minutes after watching it.
  76. Le grand méchant renard et autres contes…: three charming modern fairy tales involving farm animals with decidedly cosmopolitan personas. The humor is ludicrous and heartfelt and quirky. And the animation is simply gorgeous. bigbad.jpg
  77. Tank Girl: it’s ludicrous and the effects and budget result in Pee-wee Herman level cinematography but it doesn’t matter because it’s about turning dystopia into fun delirium. And Naomi Watts plays a nerd! And the original source art is spliced in for magic mayhem! Oh my!tank-girl-2-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000.jpg
  78. Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay: an R rated animated direct to video exercise in brutality and cynicism that makes most movies on this list look like children’s stories. suicidesquadhelltopay4235.jpg
  79. Red 2: still hella fun! I love these badass grumpy old-timers. 
  80. The Mask: Cameron Diaz was a Goddess descending to the mortal plane. And Jim Carrey was funny before his manic comedy performances got old. 
  81. Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow: Reminded of a more sedate version of  Teen Titans Go! That’s not a diss. It’s a supremely fun and entertaining alternate universe tale that I really don’t want to say much about because even the setup is part of what makes it a blast.next_aven.jpg
  82. Teen Titans: The Judas Contract: a deft balance of teen problems and adult themes wrapped in a non-MCU universe that feels like a trip to the bizarro world after enjoying Marvel flicks for years.thejudascontract
  83. Justice League: This was a lot more fun then I thought it would be. It’s just that when I see an MCU movie, I expect quality. With DC, I just brace myself.
  84. I Kill Giants: While never released in the USA, this simple but intriguing fable had better writing and acting than most of the flicks on this list. But it’s haphazard and poorly justified ending sunk it.1worsti-kill-giants01
  85. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The surfer is such a badass. He has got to be the coolest alien in the MCU. 
  86. The Wolverine: The Yakuza and Ninjas and Wolverine, oh my! With those parts, you’d expect magic. This is no Harry Potter. 
  87. Thor: The Dark World: The bad guy was cool – sort of like a dark space elf – but the movie was meh,  much like its predecessor. 
  88. My Friend Dahmer: a fair, disturbing, and terrifying portrayal of a monster in adolescence. dahmer3.0
  89. Wanted: I miss the scary sexy Angelina Jolie. The United Nations emissary and good mother role model is great and I respect personal growth and all. Oh, the movie? This is the poor man’s John Wick. Although Common managed to be cool in both versions.1worstwanted
  90. Naruto the Movie: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow: the title alone reads like a bad translation this is a strong quest yarn populated with novel superhumans, a cool meta-subplot, and classic anime animation juxtaposed with realistic animation. A fine introduction (to me) to Japanese comic book movies.  naruto.jpg
  91. The Lego Batman Movie: A one-trick pony but still plenty of laughs and charming animation. But it just didn’t live up to the phenomenal Lego movie. 
  92. Constantine: Neo does his thing and Weisz is always a pleasure to watch. The CGI looks dated and the action set pieces flatline. 
  93. Venom: Venom is a cool baddie but this movie felt like it was adrift in the MCU. The Joker is an evildoer who could carry a movie. Eddi Brock (with an unusually poor performance by Tom Hardy) cannot.  0055.jpg
  94. Thor: Mediocre movie but Chris Hemsworth’s burgeoning comic chops and Norse mythology make it worth a watch, maybe. 
  95. Iron Man 2: A broke down Russian scientist outsmarts and out-techs Tony Stark? What a load of crap and what a lame villain. Terrible sophomore slump.
  96. Men in Black: The aliens were cool looking but there’s nothing unique about this buddy cop movie with a sci-fi veneer.
  97. Blade: Take everything classy about vampires and turn it into a Dracula meets the Punisher crapfest. And to Mr. Snipes: frowning all the time is not acting.
  98. Men in Black: International (2019): I laughed a lot more than I thought I would. The effects were smooth. Sure, the plot was a retread and we really didn’t need the 4th installment to this franchise but it was a perfectly cromulent entertainment pie.mibint44
  99. Jonah Hex: This is the 4th comic book character Josh Brolin has played (also Cable, Thanos, and Agent K). That’s a singular accomplishment. This revenge plot has been accomplished MANY times. But it’s good enough to watch while you’re folding laundry.1worstjonahhex
  100. Paul (2011): Yes, this is basically what would happen if Steven Spielberg had been 15 years old and high when he directed E.T. And yes it’s entirely predictable and half the jokes don’t land. But the surprising cast and the better half that did hit kept me entertained enough. I wouldn’t call it a good movie but it is a good time. paul.jpg
  101. Aquaman: Drogo is the greatest Khal but this flick is just another DC miss. The acting ranges from mediocre to terrible. Besides, everyone knows Vinnie Chase was the best Aquaman. 0050.jpg
  102. Justice League Dark: This is what the Dr. Strange comics in the ’90s would look like if they were animated. They were not very good. Neither is a movie with a convoluted story and dreary animation. 1worstjusticeleaguedark
  103. The Death of Stalin (2017): Look, I love Armando Iannucci’s previous films and Steve Buscemi is one of my favorite actors. But the thing I loved about Iannucci’s previous films was the biting and brilliant humor. I hate to say this but I barely chuckled a few times. The acting was fine but the film’s minimal scope didn’t overcome the dearth of wit. stalin3
  104. American Splendor: Take Ghost World and make it boring and void of any hope or joy. But at least it was different. And there were a few laughs. 
  105. Iron Man 3: The major twist in this movie might be the dumbest one in comic book movie history. Not that the rest of the movie was working well.
  106. The Incredible Hulk: Ed Norton had the charm of legalese. He should take lessons from his co-star Tim Roth who is always a compelling screen presence.
  107. The Amazing Spider-Man: (reboot): Cash grab so Sony could keep the rights. They didn’t even have the decency to use a new villain. Snooze.
  108. X-Men: Apocalypse: Everyone makes mistakes, right Bryan Singer? As the first and greatest mutant of all time, Apocalypse deserved much better than this. 
  109. Fantastic Four (2005): I was never a big fan of the comic (except for the Walt Simonson run). Could they have made the Thing look any lamer?
  110. Appleseed Alpha (2014): It felt like I was watching a really long story setup intro video for a big release PC or console game. I don’t know any of the proper terms for those things since I’m not a gamer but the animation, while interesting, felt cheap in places, especially the human characters. It was lovingly rendered in others but the humans just stood out like technological duds, aesthetic-wise. The cyborgs were dope, though. And the action set pieces and creatures and world building was solid as well. But something just felt low rent about the whole movie. a.jpg
  111. Cowboys & Aliens: an all-star cast and intriguing premise could not save this movie from trope overload and a ludicrous final act. cowboys-jumbo
  112. Sin City: The aesthetic was interesting. But the plot was so boring that I can’t remember a thing about it. It gets old when EVERY character is brooding.
  113. The Green Hornet (2011): Seth Rogen’s irreverent and sharp wit was clearly dulled by some evil outside forces because this film is not green. It has no color at all. If any, it would be beige. gree2
  114. Bullet to the Head (2012):  A mediocre movie about assassins made all the worse by the existence of the amazing John Wick trilogy. (Yes, I know this came out before the first Wick). Mamoa hasn’t displayed any range yet (no disrespect to Khal Drogo) and Stallone only has a few quality performances (Rocky, Cop Land, Creed) in a sea of one-note duds.bullet-to-the-head-sylvester-stallone-jason-momoa1.jpg
  115. Hercules: The Rock is a national treasure. Hercules is a classic myth. This adaptation is nothing valuable or legendary. The only remarkable thing is the ridiculous lion hat. 1worsthercules.jpg
  116. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets: I loved the setup and some of the creature designs were excellent and some reminded me of the bubble gum CGI in the Star Wars prequels. Besides the recycled plot, cliched dialogue, ludicrous romantic exchanges, and 5th Element derivation, the worst part of the movie is the jaw-droppingly bad acting performances from the two leads. We are talking “Sofia Coppola in The Godfather Part III” grating. But Rihanna was cool. valerian.jpg
  117. John Carter: Friday Night Lights was an amazing show and Tim Riggins was its heart. Taylor Kitsch’s blistering screen presence never landed on this planet. Texas forever. Planet Barsoom? Only if you’re home sick with the flu.worstjohncarter
  118. Superman III: Pretty terrible. But at least Richard Pryor is in it? The internal logic in this film was terrible. A computer can hurt Superman? F*ck that noise. 
  119. Batman Returns: After Batman made mega-bank, the studio gave Tim Burton his ultimate dream to go completely dark. That was a depressingly bad choice.  
  120. The Haunted World of El Superbeasto: this isn’t really a movie. I can’t discern a plot. it’s a series of barely connected sketches conjured by Rob Zombie’s vibrant but wholly sophomoric imagination. 
  121. Superman Returns: The effects were far better than any of the original 4. But the performances were pedestrian and the story was a retread.
  122. Casper: It’s an average kids’ movie overall but there are some funny lines, serviceable performances, and creative mythology, that are wrapped around a decent thematic heart. It won’t haunt your dreams but it’s not supposed to.casper.jpg
  123. Blueberry {Renegade} (2004): This might have the longest and most boring climactic good versus evil battle scene in the history of comic book-based movies. It has left a dark mark on my soul. While the cinematography is good in many places, the use of effects is almost criminally bad in critical spots. It also drags relentlessly. rennnnnnnnnnnn.jpg
  124. Whiteout (2009): It’s nice to see Tom Skerritt get work. He has charisma. His colleagues do not. The movie itself was a litany of cliches, stiff acting, staid dialogue, and the most inexplicable and excessive number of MULTIPLE climax scenes I’ve ever seen. Tom Skerritt deserves better.whiteout-mv-13-600
  125. Surrogates: Feels like it steals most of its core themes from other much better sci-fi classics. It feels like that because that’s what it does. Take it from Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell: Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby.surrmovieFIXED
  126. 2 Guns: Denzel and Marky Mark have decent chemistry and the dialogue is ok but other than a few novel moments, there’s nothing to see here. 
  127. Timecop: JCVD! His best (and only) great movie is Bloodsport. I wish I could get my time back after watching this movie.
  128. 30 Days of Night: The simple premise is great. It was a fresh take on vampires and the cinematography was a’ight. But its internal logic does not hold up.
  129. The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Much like its predecessor in that it was completely uninspired. Jamie Foxx’s time has long since passed.
  130. Wilson: if you took all charm out of Ghost World and replaced all the characters with soul-sucking human-shaped bags of depression and mixed it with a tired plot. wilson
  131. Dark Phoenix: I could make a darkness pun. But this movie isn’t worth it. Turner delivered a lifeless Jean Grey. And a collection of strong actors and typically solid movie elements delivered not ONE moment of joy. 
  132. The Punisher (2004): Casting a pretty boy as Frank Castle was BS. Darker energy was needed. Casting Henry Rollins would have been the baller move.
  133. Asterix and the Vikings (2006); Basically just a silly movie for kids. The protagonists are legendary French comic book characters but this is a decidedly ordinary story. But the animation was pleasant enough and it took me back to 80s hand-drawn style even though it was produced in the aughts. asterix-and-the-vikings-f942a812-b0bb-4602-bb7c-a58e7261b34-resize-750
  134. Polar (2019): It’s an insult to derivative movies to call this derivative. At least they make some kind of effort to mask their theft. Mads Mikkelsen is always good. But the rest of the performances are TERRIBLE. The score is TERRIBLE. The stylized cinematography and general aesthetic are different but also TERRIBLE. Despite it’s lack of anything quality, I was entertained. And I really think that says something TERRIBLE about me. But this list is about judgment, not taste and I can’t justify a ranking any higher than this number.polar2
  135. The Punisher: War Zone: They covered the iconic skull emblem and dressed him like a bomb inspector. And that was the smallest problem with the movie.
  136. Boogie, el Aceitoso {Boogie} (2009): Animation that looks cool initially but soon reveals itself to be shoddy and cheap + cliched and toxic and unfunny dialogue + a tired and recycled plot + amateur voice talent + baby-pool deep characters =  a paralyzingly poor movie.  b44444444
  137. Virus: Basically a thinly veiled ripoff of Aliens but with different aliens, terrible effects, mediocre acting, ludicrous action/horror set pieces, and joyless dialogue. virus.jpg
  138. Lady Death: a bizarre and very low budget fantasy war movie that blatantly steals from the LOTR and Marvel and Star Wars franchises. It’s rare you find an animated movie that intentionally (?) limits the color palette. If this was an intentional stylistic choice, then it meshed well with the staid dialogue and basic plot.lady_death_screenshot_5.jpg
  139. From Hell: Jack the Ripper’s story is fascinating. This movie is anything but. But Heather Graham looks good as a ginger. 
  140. Blade II: I can’t even remember a thing about this movie. I consider that a blessing. The sunglasses at night are incredibly stupid. 
  141. The Rocketeer: Never reaches escape velocity.
  142. Judge Dredd: Great comic. But Sly was not the right casting call for this movie and the visual effects were clunky. 
  143. Spider-Man 3: Sam Raimi fell into an old trap: too many characters. Other crimes: casting Topher f*cking Grace as Venom AND that terrible musical number.
  144. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The original comic book was black and white, edgy, sharp and brutal. This was the complete opposite. 
  145. Men in Black II: Remember when Johnny Knoxville was trying to be a movie actor? Yeah, that worked out about as well as this movie. 
  146. Ghost Rider: The character has a great look and a classic story. Unfortunately, this starred Nicholas Cage. And it’s no Con Air. 
  147. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For: the look was only borderline cool for the first installment. Now it’s been done before and the writing didn’t get any better. 
  148. Mystery Men: Some funny character names and a few good laughs but absolutely nothing mysterious about this formulaic action-comedy. 
  149. Batman Forever: I liked Jim Carrey. But then they threw in a terrible Two Face, an extraneous Batgirl, and a lame Robin. And we thought Tim Burton was bad. 
  150. Men in Black 3: Why? Other than money, I have no idea. Who was clamoring for this? Josh Brolin, you should have known better. 
  151. Bulletproof Monk: The still below is emblematic of the movie. Seann William Scott looking ridiculous and Chow Yun-fat is thinking about anything else. 
  152. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: Revenge? Sure. But against the moviegoers who paid to see this movie. Nic Cage, can’t you just leave us alone?
  153. I, Frankenstein: I hope there isn’t an afterlife and if there is one, I hope this movie never got distributed there because it would kill Mary Shelly. Even though she is already dead.1worstphoto-i-frankenstein-2014-4
  154. Daredevil: Ben Affleck should stick to directing. Whoever decided to cast him as Batman clearly never saw this.
  155. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: This was a great graphic novel. But I think we all wish this particular sun never rose. 
  156. Richie Rich (1994): a completely milquetoast kids movie with MacCauley Culkin essentially paying the same character from his Home Alone movies. Never has a movie where everyone was just cashing in been more appropriately named. richie
  157. Hellboy (2019): If you took the Family Guy writing style of stringing non-sequitur reference scenes and turned them into a live-action movie, you’d get this. Except Family Guy occasionally makes sense and is funny. HB_D11-2589.ARW
  158. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Does not even rise to the level of ordinary. Again, fantastic source material; you really should read it. 
  159. Man of Steel: They tried to make Supes a moody loaner aka the 1980’s Hulk TV show. That’s not him. Never has been. And they reused the Zod storyline.
  160. Howard the Duck: what the hell? His cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy was better than this entire movie. But I do have a soft spot for terrible 80’s flicks.
  161. Red Sonja: the photo below reminds me of when cousins resort to taking each other to the prom. I think that’s how the actors felt on this movie. 
  162. Elektra: Jennifer Garner employs the frowning school of acting (other practitioners include Wesley Snipes). You will be frowning if you waste time watching this.
  163. Pixies: This feels like something that was made in the 90s; the animation is that bad. At first, I thought it was stylized but it soon became apparent it was just bad. The only good thing about watching this was that the animation reminded me of the Dire Straits video of Money for Nothingpixies.jpg
  164. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: This has to be the worst ending in comic book movie history. And it’s not like the rest of the movie was a prize. 
  165. Fantastic Four (2015): By far Michael B. Jordan’s worst movie. This was not a reboot. It was an execution. 
  166. Blade: Trinity: Three times as sh*tty as the others in the franchise. They also turned Dracula into a SUPER lame hybrid Aliens type sci-fi monster.
  167. Alien vs Predator (2004): Two great tastes that definitely did not taste well together.
  168. Batman & Robin: The absolute worst of the bat flicks. This movie almost single-handedly aborted the comic movie revolution. It’s Arnold’s darkest moment.
  169. The Kitchen: it’s not surprising that Rotten Tomatoes has this film at 22%. It’s surprising that it got more than 2%. Seriously, I’d love to speak to the reviewers who liked it. the-kitchen-2019-movie-review-tiffany-haddish-elisabeth-moss-melissa-mccarthy
  170. Timecop: The Berlin Decision: I liked the initial entry to this franchise that was carried by JCVD. I did not like this. At all. I wish time travel existed so I could back go back in time and warn my younger self not to watch this. But I made a pledge to watch the thick and thin so you don’t have to.  t222222222
  171. Howard Lovecraft and the Undersea Kingdom (2017): This reminded me of a horribly animated, horribly written, horribly acted version of the chaotic mess that was Hellboy (2019). And that was already a horrible movie. howardlovecraftout.jpg
  172. G-Men From Hell: This is like if you took Sin City and cut the budget by 99%. And that movie was already shi*ty AF. Weirdly there are good actors in it. 
  173. Catwoman: It takes a lot to make me hate a movie in which Halle Berry is nearly naked.  But they pulled it off. 
  174. Barb Wire: Pamela Lee Anderson takes bad acting to a whole new level. It’s almost worth watching this movie to witness this accomplishment. Almost. 
  175. Monkeybone (2001): Take Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Beetlejuice, and The Nightmare Before Christmas and mix them up but make sure to remove any semblance of humor, plot, acting, or quality animation. worst_monkeybone
  176. Abattoir: The word ‘abattoir’ comes from the French and means a “slaughterhouse for cows”. I’d rather be one of those cows than see this movie again. Abattoir_Selects_R4_1.257.1.T
  177. Officer Downe: I’m morally opposed to capital punishment but someone should have killed this movie before ANYONE had a chance to see it. This is a trashy version of Polar which is a grotesque version of the wonderful John Wick films. OFFICERDOWNE_Still2.jpg
  178. Bad Kids Go To Hell: I can’t logically argue that this is better than 300. I was rooting for the killer because it meant the victim wouldn’t have more lines. 
  179. Bad Kids of Crestview Academy: Somehow, despite the epically horrible Bad Kids Go to Hell, funding was acquired to make this sequel. Somehow, Sean Astin’s representation tricked him into being in it. You’d think more money and better talent would make a better movie. You would be wrong. crestv.jpg
  180. X-Men: The Last Stand: F*ck you, Brett Ratner. F*ck you all the way to hell.
  181. 300: Rise of an Empire: Logically, the sequel to the worst comic book-based movie ever made should be ranked lower than its predecessor. But watching this exercise in excrement is akin to getting punched in the mouth for the 2nd time. It’s still painful but it’s not an unknown sensation anymore, dulling its bite. radar.300.warnerbrospictures.jpg
  182. 300: This abomination represents everything that is wrong with movie-making. It is an homage to style over substance. It is entirely about beauty and disdains brains. And the fact that it was a box office smash confirms my opinion of humanity.

Until next time…

EXCELSIOR, TRUE BELIEVERS!

Eneba Many GEOs
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