What has more sags than a weathered grandmother, retreads than an illegal chop shop, and more nips and tucks than Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing? Hollywood and its film reboots. (What did you think I was going to say?)
Now that we are celebrating the life of James Caan, it’s only natural to go back into his filmography and dance the light nostalgic. I’ve already watched El Dorado, Elf (yes, in the summer), and of course, The Godfather. But, another guilty pleasure of mine is starring Caan and Ah-nuld called Eraser.
It’s about U.S. Marshal John Kruger (Schwarzenegger) who was mentored by Agent Robert DeGuerin (Caan). Money gets in the way of DeGuerin’s sensibilities, and he becomes an arms smuggler forcing Kruger to save the day!
Eraser is such an underrated film. The year was 1996, and Schwarzenegger’s muscles were pushing maximum density. The movie had some schmaltzy CGI but had a few good stunts and scenes. But the movie also featured Vanessa Williams, so there’s that. I dig it. Check Netflix if you want.
And then, l recently discovered one of the worst film reboots ideas I’ve ever seen–Eraser: Reborn.
Seriously?! There were five Easter Eggs in that trailer, tipping the cap to the 1996 original. If that’s Warner Bros.’ idea of sweet film reboots, they should stick with allowing David Zaslav to pimp-slap them around some more. That’s not a good look in that trailer, at all.
And that got me thinking about what could be worse than that? Of course, Hollywood will not let you down when a Top 10 list is up for grabs. So, let’s filter through the $5 bottomless bin at Wal-Mart for these gems.
Here are the Top 10 worst film reboots in cinematic history.
HM. The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
In 1951, the idea of an alien and–what seemed to be–his pet enforcer robot visiting earth aEartheaning house was terrifying. That, followed by the reason — Klaatu (alien) was here and it’s the fault of the human race! Seriously, people flipped their lid back then.
Then came 2008, when Keanu Reeves is Klaatu with an eco-friendlier warning. Co-starring with Reeves in this affair were Jennifer Connolly and Jaden Smith. And while we get it, putting a kid in there lightens things up, Smith is about the worst excuse of a stepchild ever. You want to play kickball with that brat. Furthermore, the script was barely coherent, and the CGI was probably done from a borrowed laptop bought at a pawn shop.
10. Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
This is a strange anomaly among film reboots in that the same directors remade their own movie. The Pang brothers were lauded at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2000 with their original story about a deaf-mute hitman. For some unknown reason, the Pang boys wanted to take another crack at the same movie only eight years later. It was terrible, panned by critics, and Nic Cage was already into his going broke tailspin, so you can imagine his acting chops on full display here. So bad.
9. The Wicker Man (2006)
In 1973, a British horror film swept over the United Kingdom. There were religious paradoxical references that seemed sacrilegious to bring up in movies. We’re talking folks flooded churches to wash the guilt and fear away from seeing that movie in the early ’70s.
For example, you have Nicolas Cage replacing Christopher Lee (yeah, Saruman from Lord of the Rings). Instantly, Cage is the town sheriff battling the malevolent forces of the occult. That’s about as believable as a Kardashian joining Mensa! When you think of an actor just doing it for a check, start here. Nicky needed the cash.
8. When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Whether you know it or not, the 1979 original When a Stranger Calls is one of the most important horror movies made because it illustrates mental games and jump scares can be much more effective than slasher films full or gore. The concept is a psychotic stalker on the loose and his target is this babysitter. He calls her several times to terrorize her. Near the end of the film’s first act, we discover dude was in the house the entire time!
So, why not create one of the many film reboots here? The 2006 version was just the opposite — it was funny. Mr. Spooky on the phone was transformed into some prepubescent prank caller. The attempts to scare us were comical–almost akin to your older sibling hiding around a corner and yelling, “BOO!” Yes, this movie was that worthless!
7. Jacob’s Ladder (2019)
In 1990, Jacob’s Ladder was a thrill ride no one expected. Tim Robbins is hypnotizing in this film because he was losing his mind, literally. It was convincing and visceral. People didn’t watch this movie, they felt it. Nerves were shattered and butts were puckered. Rent it, you’ll see.
So, why in the world would Hollywood think it could make a 2019 version as one of the best film reboots ever. The cast was a bunch of people who didn’t have a name at the time. And, if you saw the movie, you know they didn’t have skills at the time either. The original made you question your certainty of dying while the remake made you want to do it.
6. Total Recall (2012)
You would have a better chance of finding a chastity belt in the Kardashian home than finding a positive review for this crap. Sure, there were some nice action sequences, but people came expecting one of the many film reboots from Hollywood. Instead, they got a revised movie with boring characters and a stupid premise. Earth is this post-apocalyptic place and Colin Farrell was here to save the day. He did and no one cared. Oh yeah, and they never went to Mars! How can you reboot Total Recall and not go to Mars?!
5. Flatliners (2017)
Joel Schumacher‘s original story was about a group of adventurous medical students who wanted to hypothesize what happened after death. Starring Kiefer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon, William Baldwin, Oliver Platt, and Julia Roberts, the near-death experiences became murkier and grimmer as the movie went on. An interesting presence with more than lukewarm results.
Then, a reboot happened with (then) Ellen Page and Diego Luna. And a bunch of people named Steve. It doesn’t matter. It was a train wreck. Add to that, this was a movie no one embraced the first go-round, and then they made a reboot of it?! I think the money could have been better spent on some Mary Kay cosmetics or MoviePass subscriptions.
4. Point Break (2015)
This was such a shame. You had a future Oscar winner Kathryn Bigalow at the helm and two of the biggest superstars of the 1980s and 1990s in Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Add the always-entertaining Gary Busey and you had some serious magic. Solid story, believable plot, and something you want to watch repeatedly. That was 1991 and it should have remained that way.
In 2015, a guy with what must be a made-up name to hide from tax evasion, Ericson Core, decided to really up the ante. The “Dead Presidents” were now extreme athletes and Johnny Utah (Luke Bracey) acted more like “Sunshine” on Remember the Titans. The first movie was a good story with action. The second movie was good action with a nonsensical story. It lived up to what it was known as later called, “Pointless Break.”
3. Psycho (1998)
When is Hollywood going to learn? The reason film reboots fail most of the time is hubris. That’s it! Certain movies don’t need a “modern Hollywood touch.” There is a reason some movies are considered classics–they don’t need to be touched. They are vintage and they worked. So, Hollywood determines an Alfred Hitchcock movie needed help? And not just any Hitchcockian movie–they went after his best!
Gus Van Sant reshot the entire movie frame-by-frame. I suppose in some demented way, he thought it was an homage and in color. Vince Vaughn was amusing as Norman Bates. And Anne Heche was Jamie Lee Curtis’ mama in the shower. Her fourth-dimensional Looney Tunes self was ridiculous casting. The movie was so, so bad. Moral of the story: A toilet is only brilliant porcelain once. Every time after, it’s just full of sh*t.
2. Ben Hur (2016)
It took five decades for someone to have the stones to create a film reboot out of Ben-Hur. In 1951, it was the most epic film ever made–biggest budget, largest cast, most expensive sets. MGM was facing financial ruin at the time, but they bet all they had, literally, on Ben-Hur. It won 11 Academy Awards, another best in cinema.
And then comes some dude named Timur Bekmambetov, who thinks with better technology, he can reboot a movie from 1951 starring Charlton friggin’ Heston. How’d that work out?! Well, the original chariot race is the signature of the film. It was breathtaking and 100% real. This one? Most of it was CGI and poor effects. It was borderline sacrilege. Oh, that director is currently in post-production with another re-re-reboot, War of the Worlds.
Guess some people never learn.
1. The Mummy (2017)
I suppose this would be the re-re-reboot. In 1932, The Mummy was considered a fantastic monster movie. Before Universal knew to call it a “monsterverse,” there was Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature of the Black Lagoon. The Mummy was part of one of the first-ever factions in cinematic history. No one dared to duplicate how the monsters hypnotized America.
Sure, Brendan Fraser came around with another type of mummified action–a trilogy that brought us The Rock as The Scorpion King. It wasn’t a total wash. It was a little like the second coming of Indiana Jones.
And then, Universal caught wind of this comic book company making movies. If they can make a “universe” with kids’ toys, surely America will embrace a “Monsterverse.”
Then, the Dark Universe was born. They hand-picked their actors (e.g., Luke Evans would be a retroactive ‘Dracula,’ Johnny Depp as ‘The Invisible Man,’ Javier Bardem as ‘Frankenstein’s Monster,’ Russell Crowe as ‘Dr. Jekyll’) but it was all kicking off with a Tom Cruise party. The movie was swirling in the toilet drain from the first trailer. Universal spent $125 million on the movie and easily tripled that on marketing. It was everywhere–except the theaters.
It didn’t even break even in the states, making $80 million, with little fanfare. Following Tom Cruise’s haphazard talent in this movie, the franchise was killed within days. On its own, The Mummy was entertaining. However, considering it was so bad that it tanked an entire multi-year vision of cinematic planning. Hopefully, Jason Blum can do better, following what Leigh Whannell was able to do with The Invisible Man.
If one movie can lay waste to that kind of kingdom building, it must be the absolute worst among film reboots ever.
Since he saw ‘Dune’ in the $1 movie theater as a kid, this guy has been a lover of geek culture. It wasn’t until he became a professional copywriter, ghostwriter, and speechwriter that he began to write about it (a lot).
From the gravitas of the Sith, the genius of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, or the gluttony of today’s comic fan, SPW digs intelligent debate about entertainment. He’s also addicted to listicles, storytelling, useless trivia, and the Oxford comma. And, he prefers his puns intended.
